What a Compassionate Embrace of Grief Looks Like

Four short months after losing my mom and here’s what my grief looked like: waking up with achy hands and neck; constant fear of developing an autoimmune disease like what my mom, brother, and grandmother lived with; occasional heart palpitations; emotional apathy; painful, grief-related emotions surfacing, but inability to let them express past the surface, aka I’d swallow my emotions & bury them.

Living in fear and pain can be a powerful propellant to change.

Only after deciding to urgently confront my grief and explore deep emotions did I learn that grief can be embraced. In fact, when grief is embraced with boundless self-compassion and grace, it forever changes who you are for the better. It’s stepping into who you always were supposed to be; finding the person who was put earth-side for a specific purpose. It’s freedom in the highest sense from all of the jaded weights we unknowingly pick up along our walk of life. After a few weeks of radically embracing pain and consciously working on healing my grief, the dark clouds lifted and I truly got to experience the love of good grieving.

So, what does a compassionate embrace of healing look like? What the heck is the irony of good grief?

Let’s highlight what a compassionate embrace of grief can look like: Click on the tabs below to explore.

• Acknowledging the Presence of Grief

  The first step to any type of healing is acknowledging that there is something that needs healing.

  And then we wrap ourselves in a ginormous , warm, grandmotherly hug and extend unconditional love, grace, and compassion to ourselves as we courageously step into an embrace of that grief that needs healing.

• Practice Non-Judgmental Observation

  When we become aware of our grief, then we can start to become aware of the emotions, thoughts, & actions that flow from that grief.

  We can start to practice observation, asking why, & finding resolution. The following happens within a matter of seconds:

  Being aware, we can observe when an uncomfortable or painful feeling or intrusive thought arises or when we act in a way that’s out of alignment with our character.

  We don’t judge our thought, feeling, or actions with negative self-talk (“Ugh, I’m so weak, why can’t I just be strong and stop feeling like this?”)

  We look at ourselves without judgment, as if observing a child’s behavior. We can name what’s occurring (i.e. I feel really angry right now and want to leave this gathering.)

  We can ask why we feel, think, or act in the way we observe. What is really causing this behavior or emotion?

  Then, we compassionately extend grace to our hurting self in the form of an “its okay, we will heal this.” And we find a resolution.

  The resolution may be immediate (i.e. “I was angry because she said something that triggered a flashback, and I felt trapped. Now, I’m a) going to head out early and spend a comfortable night in self-care, or b) going to take calming breaths and let that trigger go because she didn’t mean to trigger my pain.”)

  Or the resolution may need some more extensive searching and healing, but the awareness around it now will help find peace and a future resolution.

• Implementing Mind Management

  Its easy to ping-pong around in our minds. Grief is mentally exhausting. Once we have embraced a healing journey, and started practicing non-judgmental observation, asking why, and finding resolution, we must implement mind management.

  If we want lasting, positive change, we must make sure that our internal environment is a welcome host to that permanent personal growth. Our minds must not keep us trapped in repetitive, negative thought patterns, worry, and fears.

  Use meditation, talk-therapy, prayer, journaling, close relationships, music, nature, art, exercise, and more of whatever keeps your thoughts positive, in the moment, and hopeful for your future.

• Extending Global Compassion

  Healing inside changes everything. Offering ourselves boundless compassion for our wounds grants us the unique perspective to see when others need compassion. We’ve recognized that our unresolved pain caused us to act in undesired ways (anger, lashing out, casting judgement, being controlling), and now we more easily see that others who act in these ways are facing their own unresolved pains.

  When we can offer compassion to those around us, instead of meeting anger with anger, we not only keep our own internal peace and calm, but we can practice what Gandhi preached. We can truly be the change we wish to see.

That’s what a snapshot picture of compassion in your healing journey can be. There is a lot of daily, nitty-gritty that fits in there.

For me, it looked like sitting down 3x each day to get quiet, become aware of my physical and mental state, meditate, pray, journal, or do yoga; anything that took me into a divine, spiritual, self-aware state. It looked like crying when I needed to cry. It looked like losing my temper, and then apologizing, and spending time in reflection of what triggered me and how I’d heal that. It looked like getting my kids and myself out into the woods for a walk, smiling when the sun peaked through onto my face. It looked like almost hourly deep, calming breaths. It looked like hours of therapy. It looked like no coffee for a week to calm my anxiety.

It looked like prioritizing my health, happiness, and well-being.

I know walking a grief journey is one of the toughest roads to tread. But, extending yourself some compassion and grace, and a lot of love changes the trajectory of your path entirely. It forever changed me. Because of my radical embrace in compassionate healing, I feel more me than I’ve ever felt. Ever. Soon, you too will be out of the clouds of grief and into endless sunshine, I promise you that.

In love and grieving well,

Abby